OLYMPIC SNOWBALL? (March 6, 2002)

I cut out a "Family Circus" cartoon that was in our local newspaper during the Winter Olympics. "Family Circus" is the cartoon where cute-as-a-button kids say cute-as-a-button things for the entertainment of crotchety adults like myself who still purchase newspapers. This is supposed to remind us of the time when our own kids said cute things (and not the stuff of late, like "Dylan sucks").

Anyway, in this particular cartoon, Billy (or perhaps Bobby, or maybe Timmy) is watching a downhill skier on TV, and he says to his brother:

"How come snowball fights aren't an Olympic event?"

And I say: Hang in there, Billy (Bobby, Timmy), because you can bet someone is working on it!

I say this because for years it's been TV executives, based on television marketing priorities, who seem to decide which events get added to the Olympic schedule. Not enough women viewers? Put ballroom dancing on the schedule. Not enough young people watching? Let's add halfpipe snowboarding. (Editor: please check to see if this should say "stovepipe." Or perhaps "halfwit.")

Hey, don't get me wrong, I love watching events that look like they were invented by ski bums stranded in the bar during a snowstorm. ("I'll bet I could skate 50 times around that pond faster than you derelicts.") Admittedly, an event like short course skating is fast and fun. I liked watching it a lot during these Olympics. But when the announcer said that, traditionally, the Koreans and Chinese dominate the event, my reaction was: "This sport has a tradition?"

Does every activity that's fun have to award Olympic medals? I know snowboarding is an acrobatic challenge, and that over half the people on any ski hill on any given weekend are into it. But does that make the activity worthy of Olympic status? Compare it to the giant downhill, where skiers start with the gods at the top of the mountain and finish, if they're lucky, alive and on two legs back with us mortals. Now that's Olympian! Same with ski jumping, where competitors turn two skis and a body into an aerodynamic wish worthy of Daedalus.

A few years ago I watched a TV feature about a guy who was America's top Olympic sailboarder. Sailboarding sounds a little more Olympian than windsurfing, I suppose, which is what it is. According to the announcer, the guy was carrying the hopes of the United States for an Olympic sailboarding medal. As if we had any.

In recent months, I've heard--seriously now--that both bridge and bowling are interested in being added to the Games. Hey, the Olympic motto--citius, altius, fortius-- means "swifter, higher, stronger," not "cigarettes, cheap beer, rental shoes."

I don't know what the standards should be for letting a sport into the Games, but if it were up to me we'd be taking some out, beginning with yachting, baseball, and, of course, ice skating. And I do know that, for those of us interested in distance running, the rationale behind adding and subtracting sports isn't just an academic question. Cross-country running used to be an Olympic event. Why not now? And time standards in the marathon were once set to create a decent field of runners. Now they're set to diminish the marathon field, and leave more room in the Olympic Village for rhythmic gymnasts.

But maybe running success--the result of years of hard work, dedication and other seemingly Olympian values--just doesn't cut it in the TV age. Maybe our sport doesn't draw women and kids to the tube. Maybe not men either.

So heads up, runners with Olympic aspirations. Stop focusing on intense intervals, and start focusing on vicious dogs and abusive motorists. Take some time out during winter runs to get serious...about the soon-to-be Olympic sport of snowball chucking.